


Geese are not allowed in the Cloud Recesses

by taotrooper



Category: Untitled Goose Game (Video Game), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Geese, Gen, Humor, M/M, Minor Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Trolling, there's a sex scene but it's PG-13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 18:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20822147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taotrooper/pseuds/taotrooper
Summary: It was a lovely morning in the Cloud Recesses, and there was a horrible goose on the loose.Crossover with Untitled Goose Game. More like Untitled GoosuLan Game.





	Geese are not allowed in the Cloud Recesses

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I've played this game the day it came out, and as it became viral and crossovers with the goose pestering other characters were all over my timeline I just needed this to exist. I had seen some WWX-as-goose and LWJ-as-goose fanart, but not a proper thing yet and it haunted me. So here you go!
> 
> You don't need to play the video game for context for this crossover, it's just a regular goose trolling all the Lans by being an asshole goose. Still, I do recommend playing it or watching Let's Plays just for fun. I'll add youtube links at the end of the fic.
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

It was a lovely morning in the Cloud Recesses, and there was a horrible goose on the loose.

How exactly it got there is a mystery. While GusuLan Sect has the best security from all the main sects, setting protective barriers that only a few who possess a jade token can go through, it did not apply to animals that are free of resentful energy. And as full of mischief as this goose was, its qi was rather harmless so it could immediately get in.

The goose waddled in and climbed the ascending stairs, crossed the streams and ponds, ran through the bamboo forests. Finally, among the mist, it could see a few buildings and human beings bustling around with their human lives. Their clothes were as white as the goose's feathers. It immediately liked them, and wondered if they could get dirty easily.

It was rather fortunate that those humans were forbidden from killing living creatures inside those lands. Not like it knew, with its goose knowledge and its disregard for rules, but would be able to do to them as much as it wanted to, not fearing the swords they carried.

Time to set to work and break the silence with a loud honk or two.

* * *

The first victim it found was a boy with a sunny disposition carrying a basket of carrots. It followed him to a clear covered with rabbits. The goose crouched until it was hidden between the fluffy mammals. It waited. When the young disciple reached to the closest bunny, the goose honked. The other animals jumped away and the kid's eyes opened wide. The nasty bird took this chance to grab the carrot from his hand and escape. It deposited the vegetable on the ground. One item less for the feast!

The goose saw a donkey grazing from a distance and decided to engage. It honked in greeting. The donkey brayed back, even louder. Not wanting to be less, the goose honked several more times. Then it saw a round red marvel inside a bag nearby. The donkey was not able to get it out with its mouth, but a beak was perfectly able to grasp it. To the bigger animal's fury, the goose wandered off with the treasure. The donkey chased it and gave it trouble, but the goose was able to get into tighter places and won the fight.

Yet once it returned to the banquet area, the carrot was gone. The disciple likely found it and took it back. Unfazed, the goose changed the banquet's location to an area that was farther from humans and other hungry animals who wanted their actual food. It used a torn flag with messy yet fancy symbols as tablecloth. Yes, good. No hurry for the other items, first let's annoy the humans.

Walking around, it found a tall man with an instrument on his back. Ah, a challenge. The goose tried to reach but the guy shooed him away. It attacked from another angle, same result. The man's face did not change, unaffected by the honks and flapping.

"Loud noises are forbidden in the Cloud Recesses," he said with a cold glare.

So what? The goose turned him around in circles, but the intimidating man didn't bulge. It tried pulling the sword from his belt as a distraction. He grabbed it and it became impossible to move, no matter how much pulling.

He was too strong, too powerful, too used to fight the chaos. A formidable foe.

With a huff, the goose allowed that defeat. There were more humans to visit.

The goose arrived to a room with tables and cushions. It threw everything to the floor: inkwells, scrolls, books, brushes. Then it saw it, the ugliest figure it had ever seen. It was a shame this statue was far from its element, so it grabbed it by the border of the shell with its beak and yanked. Oh, it was heavy! It could only slowly walk backwards.

It had arrived to the door when an older human man with hair on his face came in and slapped it away. Despite the weight, the man could rise it up with one hand and put it back on its place. Unlike the intimidating man and the cheerful boy, the old man was angry and red-faced. That was more like it! But since that was also a strong human, getting the statue was going to be a challenge. He tried three more times with the same result.

So the goose waited until the man tidied up the stuff on the floor, and set out the distraction by taking books from the shelves and running out of the room with them. With no sympathy, the cruel bird jumped into the pond nearby and opened its beak to throw them in. Predictably, the old man rushed in to save them, his white robes getting soaked.

That was pleasant, but there was no time to waste. Quickly the goose took the tortoise again and pulled in a rush. The man saw as it arrived, but by a few seconds of advantage it did it. It let go. The figurine sank to the bottom of the water. The man considered his options, and decided the books were more important than the ugly nuisance.

<strike>tortoise in the pond</strike>

The goose trotted to a new area and saw the cheery disciple playing the guqin. It made an attempt but his hands were like iron. The humans in that place were certainly less wobbly than the towns the bird had visited —and terrorized— before. But whines reached its ears, and it saw something much weirder: a human being upside down.

It was another boy but he was standing on his hands instead of his feet. How peculiar! Under him there was paper and a brush. The boy had the same white ribbon all the other humans had around their heads, and he held it with his mouth. The goose knew it had to mess that up.

It honked. The boy winced but nothing happened. It took the brush. The other boy just put his instrument away, on a table too tall for the goose, and got it back quickly for the other kid. No good. The goose tried to grab the cheery boy's ribbon since he was low, but he was blocked from all attempts. Tired, it walked away to watch the loud boy from another angle, and waited.

Eventually, the loud boy stabilized and took the brush with one hand, while the other held his own weight. He started to use the brush and black things started to appear on the paper. He was concentrated in his struggle, sweat on his puckered brow. A herculean effort. The timing was right. The goose took a big breath and...

"HONK!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAH!"

"Jingyi?!"

The loud boy collapsed under his own weight and fell.

<strike>make the junior disciple fail his punishment</strike>

While he was on the ground, the goose attacked. It pulled the forehead ribbon, crooked from the fall, and the knot undid itself. In the havoc of papers and bruises, it quickly got away with the long item flapping from its beak, a victory flag. The screams from behind were delicious.

<strike>become a Lan clan member</strike>

Unfortunately, the tall intimidating man arrived and rose the goose, its webbed feet flapping in mid-air. The boy caught up to them and was able to recover his belonging. The goose complained: "I'm one of you now! I'm already white like you! Let me keep the ribbon! Tie it around my neck! This is discrimination!" The humans only heard honks, though.

When he was gently put down to the ground, an insulted goose escaped to the path the intimidating man had come from.

There, the goose made a discovery. Under a tree it saw a man unlike the others, as his clothes were black and red. He was humming lazily and soaking up the sun. The goose could respect that, that was excellent bird behavior. It honked at him as a greeting of sorts, sizing him up.

"Honk!" the man snapped back from the distance. That honk was gibberish in goose language, but it appreciated the manners.

Not enough to not messing around with him, of course.

As it got closer, it saw two black round jars near him. That looked perfect for its banquet.

The man in black took one of the jars and started to drink the liquid inside. It wasn't a delicate, dainty way, like other humans when they drank from recipients, but by pouring the contents towards his open mouth like a wild animal. The goose also respected that.

It took the other jar and made a run for it.

The human, however, was quick to get up and fight against the goose. Once he got it back, the man raised his arms so the jar was above his head with laughter, and started to run and hide from it behind the trees. The goose chased him in a, well, literal wild goose chase. But in the end both were losers, as the goose stepped on the man's toes and he accidentally dropped the jar.

Crash. A waste of wine spilled on the earth. The man in black groaned and cursed the goose.

The cunning feathered beast lost no time and returned to the tree to take the other jar. But while it escaped, the man in black was fast enough to block its way and snatch it from its beak. Then the goose snatched back. Then the man tried to slap its head. The goose backpedaled and, once again, the jar broke. The man was fuming and tried to catch the bird, but it took a curve and situated behind the guy.

Then it saw something cool. From his belt, it saw a curious black stick hanging with a green shiny round stone and a red tassel. Of course, it had to take it immediately.

"Not my flute!" the man yelled and turned around towards the bird.

The goose honked as if to say "mine", but the air coming from his mouth got inside the hollow stick and made a melodious sound. Excited, the goose honked three more times, each a new different dissonant note.

<strike>play a music instrument</strike>

The joy didn't last long. The human was too close and took the magical object back to his belt. After shuffling the goose's feathers as a petty revenge, he walked towards a cozy house nearby. The goose followed carefully and spied on him.

The man took a loose part of the wooden floor and revealed a secret space underneath. The goose's tail wagged a bit when it saw a bunch of jars exactly like the ones that got broken. The man in black took two and returned to his spot by the tree. The goose awaited, sneaked in, opened the hideout, and took one of the jars to the banquet place without the man noticing.

The rest of the items took some time, but it was a breeze once the goose found the kitchens. The lady inside was rather slow compared to the tall individuals with the swords on them, so with some stealth skills and a few trips it managed to obtain a dish, a cup, and even a carrot. It still needed some decoration.

The goose explored some more and found another similar house in the distance. Beautiful deep blue flowers grew in a garden, yet they were so close together and they were so tiny it had no idea how to get one without breaking them. It certainly tried a few times, but they ended up as a mess of petals in its mouth. At least they tasted good.

Before it did anything, the door slid open and another man in white came out. For a moment the goose thought it was the intimidating man, but to be fair all humans looked the same to geese. On a closer look, this man seemed kinder and thinner, not showing an intimidating aura.

"Good day," the kind man smiled and did one of those human greetings.

The goose lowered its head. That pleased him.

"Please don't do that, I have good memories of those flowers. Do you want a gentian?"

"Honk!"

"I'll take that as a 'please', I guess," he smiled and crouched next to the flowers. "Here you go, young master goose. Now stop destroying my garden and my sect, if you please."

The goose took the flower it was offered, a bit confused but grateful by the lack of conflict this time. It ran off with a muffled honk that the kind man wondered if it was a 'thank you' or a 'fuck you'. Tired, he picked up the destroyed flowers and went back to his chambers.

As it deposited the gentian on the torn attraction flag, the setup was complete!

<strike>throw a banquet</strike> (gather: <strike>dish</strike>, <strike>cup</strike>, <strike>carrot</strike>, <strike>apple</strike>, <strike>gentian</strike>, <strike>wine jar</strike>)

As it made its way back to the man in black, the goose saw the old man engraving some human words on a big stone wall. The goose couldn't read, but it said: **Geese in particular are forbidden from the Cloud Recesses.** He also set a drawing of a plump white bird with a thick red line crossing it near it, hoping the animal got the message.

If it did, it didn't care. Human rules were fun to break.

When it reached the house by the trees, it saw the man in black and the intimidating man by the entrance, their mouths put together. The goose made a beeline for the door and got in, looking for mischief. The men entered afterwards, so it hid behind a folding screen and spied on them out of their sight.

They seemed to be wrestling and removing their clothes. The intimidating man started to bit the man in black. As the goose was not an expert when it came to human rituals and anatomy, it wasn't sure of what was it that they were doing. All it could see was that they were making each other honk. The man in black was making a ruckus.

Then the intimidating man put himself over the man in black and it clicked.

Oh. Oooooh.

They're _mating_.

Well, good for them. And good for the goose's pranks.

While they were busy, the least wild animal present in the room picked up the red robes from the floor and dragged them. The man that used to be in black was the only one who saw the goose, and tried to call its attention.

"Hey! Thief! Those are my— _aaaaaaaah, Er-gege!_"

Luckily the intimidating man had not noticed or bothered to stop, grinding against his mate relentlessly and leaving him unable to move from the spot. In a second, the man in black had forgotten about the goose and was making strange sounds of pleasure. Indifferent to the noise, the goose kept dragging the robes outside of the house, and dropped them into a stream nearby. It came back to the house and the two were still at it. Same story: dragging the black robes out, hearing the owner complaining, then immediately getting lost in the mating act.

Much later, the man in black had to put on his mate's spare inner robes in order to search for his own. Another man in white. As they left the house, the bird nodded in approval and grabbed a random souvenir from the bedroom.

<strike>have the man in black wear white</strike>

The goose passed by the giant stone wall again, and to its dismay it saw the older man with facial hair. He was in an even worse mood than before; if it had known it was the man in black's mating honks, that could be heard further away after the bird opened their door, it would have been amused. In any case, the human was running towards it with an aggressive attitude.

It ran back to the hall with the desks as fast as it could. It was time to get rid of the old man.

Frantic, the goose dropped the thin book in his beak at the center of the desk, and then started to move the scrolls and papers around in order to call his attention. The old man reached out its neck and pushed it away. His hand grabbed the souvenir and, curious, opened it.

The man's face changed to several colors fast and settled on something between red and purple. The goose was unable to see the contents of the book from that short height, but obviously from the litany coming out of his mouth the old man didn't like it. Since he was distracted in his fury, it managed to grab the classroom's keys dangling from the man's sleeve and get out quickly.

And then it slid closed the doors.

It could hear bangs and orders from the inside that made it happy.

<strike>send the old man into seclusion</strike>

* * *

The goose hadn't gone too far when big hands raised him up. It looked up, and it was the intimidating man —dressed up already, of course.

"You've had enough fun," he said, monotone.

The goose's answer was to honk once, flap its wings, and try to untie his forehead ribbon. It found fingers holding its beak back, and they were the man in black's. He was wearing the black robes over the white ones.

"This one's taken," he said with a smirk. "Besides, Jingyi's still sulking because you drooled on his ribbon."

The goose could never understand humans. Why didn't they let it become a member of their white human family, with their ribbons and their numerous objects to steal? Their GoosuLan, if you will?

"Let's get him out," the intimidating man said.

Actually, the intimidating man's arms weren't so bad. Being carried was different, almost fun. Almost.

At last they reached the entrance of the Cloud recesses, and the man put him down and made a gesture for it to leave. He turned around and started walking, but his mate crouched to see the goose eye to eye.

"Here." The man in black offered an apple, a bright smile on his lips. "That chaos was awesome, especially the part where you locked up Master Lan."

The goose took the fruit with pride in its feathery chest.

Then the man immediately bonked the bird softly on its head with his flute.

"Hoooooonk!"

"And that's for my Emperor's Smile jars, you jerk. Now go on, go bother Caiyi Town or something. Shoo, shoo!"

The goose waddled away with the red apple in its beak, a little feast for its win over the humans. Maybe it would do that. Maybe it would sneak into GusuLan again the next day. Or perhaps it would move on and migrate to a new region. It was in the mood for big lakes with lotuses.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this is for people who want to watch the goose because they can't play it (or if you can too, this game is just as fun to watch)
> 
> My favorite playthrough so far is [Vinesauce Joel](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM_dkpq0AKg). Vinesauce Vinny also streamed it and it's also good, he has a summary video [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxTCjheZ5hE) (full thing: part [1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-eNJZR02Fg)+[2](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1g68kYt1Rn8)). More short alternatives by youtubers I like: VideoGameDunkey [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9STHqt_vsCc), ValkyrieAurora [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uSKnJTGRrbY).


End file.
